I wrote this in 2015 when I was just starting my self love journey as a reminder of ways to be good to myself. I hope it helps you too!
The Lotus LIfe Tenants of Self Love
-Realize that you don’t need validation from anyone except yourself. You’re opinion of you is all that matters. You, your ideas, and your dreams don’t need validation from other people to be legitimate.
-Practice gratitude towards yourself.
-Take time to pamper/treat yourself. Take long, hot showers, lots of pretty smelling body washes, and shampoos. Take care of yourself.
-Use lots of positive self talk - even if you don’t believe it at first. Fake it until you make it.
-Don’t worry about who likes you or not - like yourself.
-Make time to do the things you love: read, write, wander the bookstore, drink coffee, listen to music, watch game shows, go shopping etc. or whatever brings you the most joy!
-Exercise and eat right - feel good about your body, and you’ll feel good about yourself.
-Wear makeup and get dressed up! (if you want to! This helped me but it isn’t necessary, so if this isn’t you, don’t do it!)
-Date yourself! Go out by yourself, drink wine alone, watch Netflix etc.
-Remember: No one can love you like you love you.
-Be Creative - write, draw, color, paint etc. Keep creativity flowing.
-Journal - only by journalling can we truly learn about ourselves and work things out within ourselves. Then we can see that we are loveable and worthy.
-Be constantly self-improving: there’s always room for self improvement, always. The more you improve yourself, the better you feel about yourself, the more you love yourself (but make sure you aren’t using self help to fill a void or as a way to “fix” yourself - you don’t need fixing! You are simply building upon an already strong foundation)
-Be around people who love you and reinforce your self-worth.
If you found these tenants of self love inspiring, please check out my online course, Self Love, Now.
I’ve been studying and practicing the law of attraction for almost 2 years now. And I’m just now realizing that maybe it isn’t about focusing on exactly what we want all the time, but more about focusing on how we are feeling at all times.
Maybe it’s all about our emotions - no matter what else we learn about creating our own lives and using the law of attraction - maybe emotional balance is the number one lesson we need to learn. Maybe we need to be more hardcore about how we feel than on obtaining what we want.
We’ll get what we wanted and then what? We’ll finally be happy? No, we’ll just want more. And more. And more. We need to be satisfied with our lives as they are NOW, to FEEL GOOD NOW and THEN what we want will come - if we don’t focus on it so much.
“When you get clear on how you want to feel, the pursuit itself will become more satisfying.”
-Danielle LaPorte, The Desire Map.
I’ve been reading Danielle LaPorte’s book The Desire Map - it’s about setting “goals with soul” rather than material goals (obtain this much money, lose this much weight etc) With Goals with Soul we are focused on how we want to feel. Let me repeat that: we are focused on how we WANT to feel.
I woke up this morning feeling blah; I’m not really sure how to describe it except for that word - blah. Certain things I’ve been working towards are still not happening, when I thought at least some of it would be happening by now (which brings me to gratitude about what I have accomplished thus far, which is actually quite a lot considering I started from scratch, knowing NOTHING about what I was doing.) But I thought about a note that was left at work that said: “Remember to smile. Life is too short.” HOLY. SHIT BALLS. YES! Life is too short!
I don’t want to spend it waking up feeling blah. I want to spend it in joy and happiness and laughter and smiles - no matter what of my dreams or goals come to fruition - I want to feel amazing at all times.
And ironically, it is then, and only then, that our dreams can come true.
“Small, deliberate actions inspired by your true desires create a life you love.”
-Danielle LaPorte, The Desire Map.
So then what? We know how we want to feel, but how do we get ourselves to feel that way?
Well, ultimately, it is entirely up to you. You literally have to make the choice to feel good. To feel better then how you woke up, or came home from work, or spent your day feeling. This is where affirmations, meditation, yoga, exercise, your best friend, inspiring reading, your vision board or any other law of attraction tool comes into play. This is when a simple positive thought comes into play. This is when, “I do not want to feel like this,” comes into play. Heck, finding something funny to watch on TV is sometimes enough to do the trick.
If taking a hot shower and crawling into bed with Netflix, or sleep, or tea, or a book, or whatever, is what is going to turn it all around, then do it. If there are other things or people demanding your time when you want - nay, need - to do that, then tell them no. Or tell them “later” or “not now” or “tomorrow” and do not apologize.
YOU feeling good is what matters most in order to even help others feel good too. In order to manifest your desired life.
Energy is contagious.
So spread positive energy as much as you can.
Cry if you must but then move on.
Remember what you wanted to feel and do what you can to get back there.
“Stay anchored to the desired feeling, and open to the form in which is manifests.”
-Danielle LaPorte, The Desire Map.
If this sounds like it’s up your alley, or something you are interested in and want to learn more about, click here to get the book.
**This post contains affiliate links - which means that I get compensated monetarily if you click through and make a purchase. But I promise to only share with you products and people that I LOVE and truly believe in and trust!**
It’s not just something you find in novels and movies. Story is IN your life. What we tell ourselves about our lives, and ourselves, is what will become our story. What you put after “I AM” is particularly powerful and is part of your story.
What makes up your story though?
It’s the parts of your self talk that you accept as true.
You can change your story, no matter what it is, at any time, simply by reframing your thoughts and changing your belief about it. It will take practice, and won’t happen overnight. But it is possible.
Here is a step by step guide on how to change your story. I’ve also included a short printable/fillable digital worksheet.
1 - What do you want to manifest?
This is always the first step in manifestation in general; you can’t create something if you don’t really 100% know what you want to create in the first place. So figuring this out is a big step. Gaining clarity in detail will help not only with how to make space for what you want in your life, but also in knowing the steps to take.
2 - Look at your story as it currently is. Write it out.
What is the story you currently tell yourself? What do you tell others about yourself, and your life? This is your story.
3 - How much of this story do you feel aligned with and how much do you not feel aligned with?
The parts of our story that we don’t feel aligned with are the parts we can change in order to make space for what we are aligned with.
4 - Look at the parts you want to change.
There may be a lot you want to change, or there may be only a couple of things. Either way doesn’t matter. Just choose at least one part you want to focus on changing.
5 - What could you create in your life by changing these parts?
By changing these parts of our story we can see all the possibility of what we could create.
6 - What do you want to change them to?
It helps to know exactly what you would rather be, do or have so you know what to replace the old story with.
7 - Write your story again but with the old parts taken out and the new parts added.
By writing it out, like, well, a story, you can see it more concretely, and you can start taking in the new version of you that you are creating. Physically writing it out also adds powerful magic to your manifesting mojo and helps you feel more like it’s true and real (which it is! You just have to catch your feelings up to it.)
8 - Create an affirmation or two from what you wrote that sums up your new story.
Affirmations are great for reframing our thoughts and beliefs. The more you can believe your new story, the more it will be true. (You have to believe it before you see it!) Set reminders on your phone, or leave post it notes around your house or car or workplace where you will see them often, and repeat the affirmation to yourself (or out loud if you’re alone). You can even close your eyes and really meditate on it to feel it deeply and bring it into your vibration (and once it’s in your vibration it has to come to you!)
9 - Keep your self talk in check, noticing when your thoughts don’t match up with your new story.
By practicing the self talk aspect, we can live our new story from intention, rather than from default. Noticing when our thoughts or words don’t match up with our new story will enable us to instantly reframe the old thoughts or beliefs that are looping back around. Eventually, the old story will get tired and quit coming around all together.
10 - Watch as your new story unfolds and continues to grow <3
Now that you’ve changed your story, you can create anything you want in your life! At any time. You can ALWAYS change your story whenever it needs updating or something starts to feel out of alignment.
When I first started studying and practicing the Law of Attraction, I thought that having any kind of negative thought or feeling was going to manifest terrible things into my life. This is common when starting out with the law of attraction - it is easy to get freaked out about any kind of negativity if you buy into the idea that you must stay positive at all times and completely ignore and push aside any and all negativity.
But soon enough, I learned that that is not actually the case! You are not going to manifest literally every thought that you have. There is actually a time lapse between thought and manifestation; this is why we say that what we focus on grows - it only manifests if you focus on it and let it expand, and if you put a lot of emotion behind it.
And ironically, avoiding negativity is actually a way to expand it - because you are still focused on it since you are working SO HARD to avoid it. Your attention is still on it.
But in my own experiences, I have discovered that negativity serves a legitimate purpose and should not be avoided entirely.
I never would have changed my life or be where I am now if not for having experienced negativity. I was increasingly becoming unhappy in my relationships and living situation; but without that emotion of unhappiness, I might never had decided that I needed to change, that my life needed to change. I may never have figured out what I genuinely wanted and gone after it.
Because that is the purpose negativity serves; it shows you where changes need to be made, and it also brings your attention to what you actually do want.
For example: when my living situation a few years ago suddenly started making me feel terrible, I started becoming more aware of what I didn’t want - which then by contrast showed me what I did want; which at the time was simply to find my dream relationship (manifested!) and get my own place (manifested!). Those ideas never occurred to me until I went through that negative time period.
Now, if you are familiar at all with Abraham and Esther Hicks, you will know that they teach the importance of simply feeling good - and nothing more than that. Feeling good in general is definitely a great place to start and does trump the need to manifest (in other words: instead of working SO HARD to manifest, simply make it a point to just be feeling good.)
Handling negativity doesn’t have be stressful or an overly emotional experience. I absolutely love to take deep breaths when I start feeling like crap. I stop and pause, close my eyes and take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. I do this a couple of times if need be.
The key is to do what I like to call “face it and replace it” - simply acknowledge what you are feeling, be accepting of it, let it go and then replace it with something better feeling (even if it only feels a little better - even a little better still feels better. Just keep reaching for better and better and better.)
What it’s really about is bouncing back.
It’s all in how we handle it.
How do you bounce back from negativity?
24 Ways to Raise Your Vibration
Raising vibrations is one of the most important things to do when it comes to practicing the law of attraction. The thing about vibration and energy is that it changes all the time. Even the most positive person still feels negative emotions; the difference is that they know how to switch vibes and how to “bounce back”.
So here are 24 Ways to Raise Your Vibration:
Practicing Self Love is another great way to raise your vibration. In fact - it even helps accelerate manifestation! All of these 24 ways to raise your vibration can also be used for cultivating self love.
For more about cultivating self love and creating a life you live, please check out my course Self Love Now.
“The Shadow Self” sounds like a mystical, witchy term doesn’t it? And it can be a scary thought, this idea of having a dark side. But do you know what? That dark side is essential to living a happy balanced life. Sounds kind of crazy doesn’t it? That by accepting our dark side we can actually be happy? But it’s psychologically and spiritually true.
Carl Jung the famous psychiatrist wrote about our shadow selves:
“...modern man protects himself against seeing his own split state by a system of compartments. Certain areas of outer life and of his own behavior are kept, as it were, in separate drawers and are never confronted with one another.”
We are often afraid of confronting our darker sides because we don’t want to admit that we even have one. We have to face the darkest parts of ourselves in order to transform. Regina Mills, one of my favorite characters on the show Once Upon a Time, dealt with her darkness and became a hero. Anything is possible on the other side of the fire - but we have to go through the fire first. It can’t be avoided if we want to truly know ourselves. We have to face our fears, our insecurities, our jealousies, and our flaws. It’s scary as hell to face our darkness; but it is imperative for transformation, to start fresh, to be a new, better person; to be who we always wanted to be.
The first step is acknowledging the shadow self and then accepting its presence. It’s unifying our dark side together with our light side. We are not whole without our darkness. It can fuel us: to change, to fight, to be strong. But it’s in the accepting that this becomes possible.
“Accepting your darkness will allow you to take responsibility for yourself, and once you truly acknowledge one of these dark traits instead of avoiding them, suddenly, they will stop having control over you.”
-Lonerwolf, The Shadow Self.
Our negative emotions never go away. They are apart of life. They always come back around. It’s how we handle them and bounce back from them that matters. As long as we always come out the other side, brighter, then we’ll be okay; even if it takes a fight. Darkness is always there, and we all have darkness, but we mustn't ignore it. Like ignoring a spoiled child, our shadow self will have a fit until we can’t ignore it anymore. We are strong enough to make it through and we are never without hope. The universe is made of both light and dark, and so to are we.
I’ve been so angry that it was all consuming and I’ve cried so much that I’ve thought I didn’t have any tears left. As soon as I accepted what I was feeling, as soon as I simply let the emotions through, I was able to start moving on. Facing that darkness, curling up deep into the cocoon, is what brought me out, brighter on the other side.
Acknowledging, accepting and appreciating your darker side is an act of self love. Self love isn’t always about ridding the self of its “problem areas” - it’s about ACCEPTING those aspects of ourselves, but also being gentle with that dark side of ourselves.
“Deep growth happens when our self care is a celebration of our goodness and value, and not a fixation on what needs to be fixed.” -Danielle LaPorte, White Hot Truth.
My dark parts can be mean, sad, and lazy. But these all stem from other things, like insecurity, deep seated beliefs and past experiences. However, I don’t let them control me. I simply accept these parts of myself and, I believe, that without them, I wouldn’t BE me. Sometimes we have shit to work through, and that’s okay. The key is to take care of ourselves and be gentle with ourselves when these dark parts show up. Love yourself anyway; the way you would your best friend or sister if they were feeling that way.
The shadow self is nothing to be scared of. It should be embraced and accepted.
And that is the ultimate act of self love.
Abundance is everywhere - even when you can’t see it. If you look more closely, though, you can easily find more than enough all around you; even when you are feeling the lack of abundance - it’s there! You just have to look closer.
Here are 6 Ways to Spot Abundance in Your Life:
1.) Look for things in large numbers: lots of books on your shelf? How about all the cars in traffic? Even the design in patterns - repeating over and over again resulting in an abundance of the same thing.
2.) When shopping, even on a budget, look around you and witness all the abundance via other shoppers - full shopping carts, full arms, the sound of busy cash registers and jingling change. Absorb this feeling of prosperity and see how fast you forget about lack.
3.) When you receive a gift - even a small one - look for the love and caring and thoughtfulness in receiving (odds are, it's from someone who loves you very much!) Bask in this, feel gratitude as deeply as you can, and you've just spotted more abundance!
4.) Look up at the sky on a clear cold night and look at the massive amounts of stars, realize that there are even more stars than you can ever see, and feel the bigness of this, feel the abundance in the unseen - you know they are there, even if you can't see them. Talk about abundance!
5.) If you are going through a hard time right now, look around at what you DO have - look at your support systems, look at your life from a positive, grateful perspective (a roof over your head? A warm bed to sleep in? Friends to confide in? Abundance!) A shift in mindset will change everything.
6.) Make it a habit to purposefully look for abundance in the world and soon it will be all that you can see.
Affirmation: I see Abundance everywhere.
We must love the uncertainty of life in order to be open to what the universe has to offer.
A few years ago, I was completely uncertain about everything – my relationships and what direction I was going in (spoiler alert: I didn’t have direction at all!) I was living with people who treated me as if I wasn’t even there and I was barely making rent. It was probably the lowest I’d ever been, but eventually, I started studying the Law of Attraction and many times I came across the theme of being okay with not knowing; not knowing the future or what was to come, not knowing how a situation will play out, not knowing which direction to take.
And for quite awhile I totally struggled with that concept! Sometimes I still do. Like reading a good fiction novel, I absolutely want to know what is going to happen next! But real life does not work that way; there is no way to know for sure. My life now is so much better than it was before, and it is getting better every day, but there are things out of balance again and I am not sure of the who, what, where or whys. I’m just trying to be okay with it.
Letting Go Of Fear
Trusting the universe, when it comes right down to it, is about letting go of fear. Not knowing is scary as hell! We always worry about how we’re gonna make our next payments, or what our next step in life will be or where it will lead. And that’s pretty scary. Sometimes there is a lot on the line and not knowing scares us because it is not always within our control. But ever notice how things usually just kind of work themselves out? Some extra money comes in unexpectedly, or you get a random helpful phone call or message from a friend or colleague who has just the solution you needed? That is the universe, my dears. But it works best when we stop being afraid and know that there is always a way; everything will work out exactly as it should for the highest good of all.
When we embrace the uncertainty of life we are allowing ourselves to be completely open to the opportunities the universe brings our way. We are not attached to one outcome and one outcome only. We are simply open and that allows the universe to flow through us more easily, creating what basically amounts to miracles (remember that unexpected money from earlier?)
Letting Go of Control
With fear comes the need to control (or is it the other way around!?) We want things to turn out exactly as we’ve pictured them. We want what we want how we want it and when we want it! The truth though, is that that is just not how it works. Sometimes things turn out exactly how we thought they would (which is funny when you think about the law of attraction right?!) but most of the time it’s only close to how we thought, or not even close at all. Remaining open to how the universe wants to deliver you your desires is key. Let go of control, and fear, and see how that changes everything.
During times of change and unrest, our emotions can run the gamut - you will probably feel every single emotion you could possibly feel. That’s natural. Of course you’re going to feel that way! Keeping a positive attitude is what will help get you through it, and will keep all these changes on the highest possible level. Remember, what you’re feeling and thinking is creating your reality! So positive thinking is the way to go here. Meditation, Creative Visualization, Exercise; these are all great ways to stay positive!
Embracing the Unknown
Letting go of the need to know is not easy. And we are never rid of uncertainty. We will always go through periods of unrest, always question our lives, but when we can let go, it’s like the whole world opens up and suddenly there are more opportunities arising that we would never have thought of going after. It’s amazing how much life can change just by changing our minds. So love the uncertainty, love the idea that anything can happen and have fun at the same time and watch the world open up.
Default Life vs Intentional Life
So here’s a thing I’ve learned: there are two ways to live life - by default, or by intention.
Let me explain.
To live life by default means to let life happen TO you. To live intentionally is to live on PURPOSE and to bring in life experiences that you WANT.
I’ll be honest. Living by default is easy. We don’t have to think about it. We just go about our business and whatever happens happens. Our thoughts come and go, our days come and go, and we go about life seemingly without any control over what happens to us.
But what if I told you that we DO have control?
Because we DO!
The key is to live intentionally. Living intentionally brings so much more to our lives. It can literally make our dreams come true (Yes, I do mean literally!) and adds copious amounts of enrichment.
So what do I mean by living intentionally then? How exactly does one “live intentionally”?
Well I’m sure that you’ve probably heard the phrase “intention setting” or “live by intention.” which just means that you literally INTEND for something to happen, or for something to BE. It usually stems from a desire you have. When you feel a desire for something, you are driven to obtain it, which then sets an intention.
“I want to have a great day.” throws out the intention to have a great day!
“I want to accomplish three things off my to-do list today” throws out the intention to work on your to do list.
“I want to stop smoking.” throws out the intention to quit smoking.
“I want to write a chapter today,” throws out the intention to write a chapter.
What Happens Next
Having an intention is like making a deal with the universe. You feel the desire, you let out the intention to obtain the desire, and the universe does the rest (I wrote a blog post about trusting the universe - check it out here).
Intentions are not always about material things though. We can put intention behind our emotions, what we want to bring to the world and even for the thoughts we think. This is helpful because stating an intention helps us stick to it - the intentional life is the purposeful life.
My favorite way to set intentions is to write in my journal. I think about what I want and feel the intention to have it. I write it down by pen and paper (this puts your own energy into it) and I practice gratitude for it (even if I don’t have it yet). Writing things down by pen and paper gives so much more power to our intentions and manifestations.
Turning this into a practice, into a routine, is what will help you life a life of intention rather than a life by default.
Give it a try! Sign up for my free resource library and get intention setting journalling worksheets to help you out!
IT STARTS WITH SELF TALK
Have you ever thought to yourself, “I would really love such and such thing, but I couldn’t have it because such and such reason”?
Whether it’s money, a lover, a dream home, or absolutely anything, if we don’t believe we can have it, if we don’t believe we deserve it, it is that much harder to manifest.
Here’s an example: you want to manifest your dream lover, your soulmate, the person you will spend the rest of your life with, but you are telling yourself he/she doesn’t exist, you don’t deserve a great love like that for x reasons, you’re too this or that, or not enough this or that to have your soulmate, there’s no one out there for you, or any myriad of similar thoughts.
Well, the universe is listening, and despite what you WANT, what is being sent out via your vibration is, “Don’t give me this,” and believe me when I say that the universe WILL deliver– even if it’s a non-delivery.
This is why a self love type of vibe is so important. Radiate out that you deserve to have a wonderful life and the more you practice this, the better the things that show up in your life will be.
Will it happen over night? Not really. Confidence is something you build. Pep talk yourself. Take yourself on a date and enjoy time to yourself. Do things you love to do that make you happy to be alive. Practice these things routinely and you WILL see a difference in your life.
HOW I DID IT
When I started my self love journey, I began with talking to myself better. Instead of tearing myself down for little things, or berating myself for making mistakes, and telling myself that I was ugly and fat, I started saying better things. It was a struggle at first. For so long I had believed these things about myself, so telling myself the opposite didn’t feel true at first.
And it won’t. It’ll feel fake as hell. But you have to keep the practice up. Eventually, your beliefs will change, and it’ll not only feel real, it’ll BE real.
After I had done this for a little while, I started getting compliments like crazy. Because as I started to believe in myself more, so did others.
And yeah, the compliments totally helped, and that’s okay. While your confidence and happiness doesn’t come from other people, knowing that others see you in a positive light can absolutely boost your confidence.
MAKE IT A PRACTICE
Some days, you will love yourself fiercely and some days you won’t. It’s okay. It’s part of the journey. It does get easier as you go along though. Just keep to a routine of some kind for a couple of weeks and you should start to see a difference! That’s why it’s called a practice.